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HOW CHILDREN SHOW US THE WAY

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KIDS by KRISS on 09 october 2015

As a parent, you tend to raise your children either in complete contradiction to the way you were raised, as a form of rebellion, like a post adult, teenager crisis, or you reproduce the same frame that was set for you.
Either way, the importance and the influence of your habits and conditioning is immense.
Getting rid of this burden and learning to be ourselves is very challenging.

I have came to understanding that maybe our children show us the way without us noticing, or rather without us paying attention.

Kids live in their very moment, the very set of minutes happening right here right now, they don’t project themselves very far or only by game and through imagination.
We adult often project ourselves out of stress and fantasy.

I have not been an exemplary parent, I cannot pride myself in that at all, in fact I have probably been the opposite.

I was very harsh to my first born, very strict, didn’t let him be his age, absent for my second one who didn’t even greet me with a simple hello before the age 5, as if I had been so transparent her first years that she didn’t even see me.
Finally I gave up far too much on parenting with my last girl, letting her run her world as a little queen and becoming a baby tyrant.
To top that up, Kate and I didn’t respect our unity for a while and this reflects dramatically on the family equilibrium.
Wether you like it or not, if that divorce and cheating normalizing society has led you to believe otherwise (the flood of articles in the press and documentaries on television on the subject of happy divorced, remarried, recomposed proves that so right), any system that spreads apart family unities is unhealthy.

That being said, when there is a will there is a way and there is a strong will on our part to change things around and but the interests of each individual in our family and that of the family as a whole first.

And that works starts by paying attention to the way our children show us.
We used to live traditional westerners lives where the kids either have no say or too much say but no real say.
This can be illustrated by a simple example : When children get in the middle of things we are uncomfortable with ourselves we simply tell them off, and then when the guilt and the lack of real communication leads us to confusion, we ask our children what they want on so many levels that we are no longer their tutors and stop offering us guidelines.
On the contrary we ask of them to do that, putting immense confusion and pressure on them with our even realizing it.

Listening to our children is acquired competence and it requires efforts and true wisdom from our adult selves.
It means that they have their way of perceiving things, their way of doing things, a way that we no longer understand perhaps.

Instead of systematically telling them off and contradicting their ways, interacting with our children means setting back for an instant and have a real reflection on who is actually right.

I have noticed that my children either act on instinct, primal behaviors, natural gestures or through mimetic acts.

For example, I shot this beautiful photo of my youngest plucking flowers in a city garden and I realized that this gesture was natural for her.
Kate and I are not flower plucking people and she has been doing that ever since she walks.
One first reaction could have been to tell her that it is bad and she was wrong to do that because we are in a city and so on.
As a result she would have felt our guilt on her shoulders and not her own, conditioning herself to be untrue to herself on a very insignificant level.

But behaviors we acquire on insignificant occasions can have tremendous impacts on our future lives as they condition ourselves on a general level.

For this very occasion I thanked my girl for the flowers she did pluck for me and simply explained to her that these flowers were looking great as well as they were in the city.
I opened a door for her and she communicated with me.
It didn’t take any contradiction to have her understand that not everyone can pluck flowers in city gardens because there are only so few flowers for so many people that the best way for everyone to enjoy them were to leave them be.

Now, she still loves to collect flowers when we have a walk but she has learned to discern when it is appropriate or not to do so and she is not afraid to ask me before doing so.

I have no book on how to raise your kids, not even one how to raise mine, I only know that the way I have started doing things over with them for the last few months is hard but getting easier and easier by day and so much rewarding.

Learning from the way they do things have helped me overcome some of my habits and live in a more relaxed way.

HOW CHILDREN SHOW US THE WAY

HOW CHILDREN SHOW US THE WAY

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